Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.