Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”