My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
*aggressively waits in line*
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun