A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
time machine? you mean a clock?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow