[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
You Might Also Like
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Stick it to the man
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.