when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.