what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
How do you milk an almond?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.