When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE