Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
can’t catch a break
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication