Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
yeah 😭
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
He-man has a Masters degree
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.