My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Only a mother’s love …
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.