Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.