Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
You Might Also Like
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster