Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.