Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Does your wife know you’re single?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this