My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster