Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Super Hand Dog Face
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee