Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.