The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: