Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m already scared
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home