The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
what’s really going on
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.