Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Passwords are more important than ever.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?