my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Boating season is upon us.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.