“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
#polloftheday
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.