If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.