My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Running from your problems is cardio .
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers