Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah