I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
You Might Also Like
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.