Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—