I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.