Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Well well well…
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.