Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Legend 🤣🤣
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance