[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
dam girl
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)