I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
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I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb