Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
You Might Also Like
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Breaking news:
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.