If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Who chose this font
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now