When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder