Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Every work meeting this week