Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!