Jurassic park gets weird
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
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