Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.