No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
meanwhile over on facebook
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.