cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”