This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it