i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.