Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …