Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick