If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Body by cheese-puffs.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one