(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’