You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.